Christ is dead. And now we have the video evidence to prove it, our Big Brother insight as to how it actually happened in glorious motion picture. Undoubtedly one of the most important events in the history of mankind founding the world’s most common religion but as a film it’s basically shit.

Do I need to see it to know this? No. For once, you can judge the film without having to see it. It’s all written there clearly on the packet.

The film is basically an accurate portrayal, with a few adjustments to make it digestible with a modern audience. I can only presume that a topless woman will therefore make at least two appearances, and there are at least four car chases – but aside from these minor tweaks it’s generally considered an accurate portrayal of events.

Aramaic, for instance, is used throughout – not translated or subtitled in English. The film was shot in an area similar to Jerusalem 2000 years ago – rather than a New York apartment.

But, like I said, it’s complete trash. A waste of money – why?

The Passion is a film about the last 48 hours of Christ’s life. So what – you’re telling me that the film starts out with him nailed to a cross, we get selected highlights of him struggling and screaming out in pain and then the film ends?

Not with me. Well let me explain. Crucifixion is not quick. It’s not like the electric chair, push a button and he’s gone. The whole point is that it was horrible. It sometimes took 3 days to die, being nailed up to the cross in pain, waiting to die. So do the maths and you’ll realise 48 hours is only 2 days.

If Mel Gibson is telling the truth his new film will be terrible. I mean, maybe I’m wrong – maybe a circus set itself up right next to where Christ was dying and we’d see some lion-taming, tight rope walking and perhaps even some elephants but I don’t remember seeing that in any copy of the bible - even if I had read any.

It certainly explains a lot though – like as to why there isn’t any spoken English in the film. All these people saying that the characters are speaking in some archaic languages that need to be subtitled are speaking rubbish. Every time I’ve heard a bible quotation it’s been in English. Even God said: “Let there be light” which is English the last time I check.

If there is any vocals in the sound it will be Jesus saying “Arrrgghhh” or “Uuugghh” which is pretty much translatable into any language.

The big joke is it cost 25 million dollars. Why? Unless they really crucified someone and had to buy off the authorities then I can’t see how they ended up spending that much. Although it would explain why a Mel Gibson film featured some top quality acting.

Of course, people who have seen this film will undoubtedly tell me I’m missing something by not going to see it. Well I’d rather stay at home and watch the Simpsons for free.

At least they were approved by the Arch Bishop of Canterbury.