British Sugar Despatch Covert Team To Clear Out Tescos

10th November 2003

Following the discovery that a faulty batch of its Crusha milkshakes had accidentally been released to Tesco, British Sugar decided to deal with the problem using a covert approach. Instead of informing the supermarket giant it had accidentally released an unsatisfactory product and risk negative publicity, British Sugar decided the best course of action was to despatch a crack team of covert milkshake buyers to clear the affected products from the shelves.

Unfortunately, due to a staff shortage, the crack team of covert milkshake buyers had not yet been trained so had to rely on their instincts to perform the operation. Without proper training, they were inevitably caught.

“The first clue came when the rear fire escape doors were blasted from their hinges,” The Security Guard on shift explained to us, “In all the confusion dark figures were seen running in, but the dust meant we couldn’t see where they went.

“Suddenly I noticed on one of the security monitors a single file line of fully armed figures edging their way up against the freezers. As soon as they heard footsteps or saw a moving shadow they would dive under the frozen food until their commander gave some form of all clear signal.

“They were nearly exposed when an elderly lady picked up a rather large bag of frozen peas covering one of the teams member’s face. He simply convinced her he was an engineer dealing with a freezer problem and she believed him but to be honest I think she was more interested in the 2 for £5 offer she’d just spotted on our Simple Solutions range so she probably wasn’t paying too much attention.”

“To be honest, I think they must have neglected the fact we had CCTV operating as it sort of spoiled their whole little scam.”

Apparently on locating their targets the team proceeded to take the bottles out with an M16 Assault Rifle, probably hoping the superstore would let them off paying under the pretence it was ‘accidental damage’. At this point the security guards decided it was best to intervene.

“Jumping in freezers and scaring old women is one thing,” The security guard explained, “But unloading a military grade assault rifle in a supermarket is a totally different ballgame. Of course they tried to get out of it by claiming they were all undisciplined kids – but even the youngest looking member of their squad had a beard so I wasn’t buying it.”

British Sugar have promised in future they will not used this method of Quality Control, although it was last seen training its Quality Assurance Operators in the use of CS gas.